Why aren't the fairy tales true? Maybe they are and we aren't listening.

     I was cleaning the boys room today with Ethan. We were stacking his books on the shelves and making them look tidy, but then i took an old fairy tale book and looked for my favorite stories: Thumbelina, Sleeping Beauty, and Cinderella.
     Ethan said please read me one story and I did.
After we finished i sat there and thought …. when did the fairy tales stop being true. Was it when I was a teen or an adult.  The stories all had a lesson but somewhere I think I lost my way.  I thought about how happy endings always happened no matter how the story started.. it was not something anyone could control. But somewhere I choose to not believe anymore until recently.
     Being 41 and starting over with three kids was never written in any of those stories …. but maybe they did what they were supposed to; teach me to dream and believe that things will find a way.
     I have been having this weird but wonderful thing happen to me lately. Sharing this makes me think that maybe more people need to try this and funny enough you will be surprised and pleased with its results.  I have been given some highs and lows in my life in the past few years. I try to stay positive but sometimes it is hard and i need to re-invent how to " pick myself up, dust myself off, and start all over again" . When I get back up and start thinking I say this sentence out loud and smile: " the universe will find a way." I don't know what kind of "spiritual" I am but I do believe in a higher power that touches us all.  It is an energy, a light, and emotion, it can be anything.
For some reason after that sentence is said what needs to happen does and it always leads me to a good place. I guess when you let yourself accept what is gonna happen no matter what , you just might be where you need to be or get put into the place that needs you most  :)
     So the stories of when I was a child might be true still but their lessons have changed for me and the most important part is when we really listen and realize that things happen for a reason the rest seems so find its way.   Funny again its amazing to learn things all over again and be wise enough to accept what is being said.  Hell it only took 41 years but there is still so much more to see & learn. I don't think I will ever stop wanting to learn….. and I hope my children inherit that from me and cherish it.

" Mom , do I have to go to school forever…"

" Mom do I have to go to school forever ?" was the questions that I was asked at 7:37 am this morning without any coffee in my system.  

I looked at him and smiled and said to Devin; " Bubba we all go to school all the time … it's just that we all learn in different ways and in different places. " 

He looked at me and said ; " You are kidding me , right ?! I laughed and said ' " No Devin I am not kidding I am serious. " He sat with me in bed and pulled the comforter over us and said; " What if I don't learn everything?" I smiled and hugged him and said: " Devin you will know all you need when the time comes … trust me Bubba it will all work out in the end. " 

He smiled and kissed my head and left running to the yard to jump on the trampoline.  I watched him jumping from my window and thought how amazing it must be to see so much adventure in every moment of the day.  I remember being so excited for school every year and thinking how cool it was to get new pens. crayons. and shoes…. SO this is what I want for all my kids; to pass on this energy and desire to learn and see the world and learn by having  "adventures". 

No one really knows everything …. but what a gift to give your child ; the gift of curiosity and desire to learn more and more.  I know from watching Alexandra she sees school like I did; just a new place to find challenges and knowledge that make such a difference in how you see and live your life. Ethan has that same attitude and he really does give everything he tries his best foot forward.  He is lucky to have a strong body and spirit .  Devin is more cautious about trying new things but we all cheer him on; no matter what. He tries something new everyday and likes it when he feels accomplished. Funny I think we all do no matter what age we are.

SO …to answer Devin's question finally- YES you will always be in school in some way.

Here I am with three kids , each with their own ideas and desires, but in the end I want the same thing for them; happiness, health, and the desire to learn.   It won't be easy and each will stumble from time to time; but as long as they try and learn some thing from what they do then they will never truly fail.

They don't teach that in school do they….. but that's why I am here to help Alex, Devin, & Ethan, and in the end they always teach me some thing too. I love that part :) HUGS <3

They are Twins … but they are also one of kind :)

     See those two … their connection is amazing to me. I am an only child and when something broke in my house there was no one else to blame but me, when I wanted to play I had no sibling to play with so I played alone, and I was sometimes lonely.
These two have been together since day one.
Devin was born one minute before Ethan and from that point on the race was on to see who did what first and how fast the other can blame his brother for any mischief they make. I see them growing and they grow so fast , I do still remember bringing them home and wondering   " How am I gonna take care of them and Alex ?" and as they say ; the universe showed me a way.
     I look at these pictures and no matter what they are connected and care for each other. Not just in the most obvious ways but on a deeper level. Ethan watches out for Devin at all times and knows his brother well enough to say; " I don't think Devin would like that  "  or " That's Devin's favorite."  Devin is also in tune with Ethan. Devin likes being the "older" brother and reminds Ethan of it and has no problem voicing his concern or opinion about what Ethan is doing.  These guys work together and also fight and argue ; being both strong willed adds to the disagreements.  But - when you look , they are also love each other and need each other.
     We from time to time take each child on his own to enjoy a day with either parent. The funny thing is the whole time all they talk about each other and always end the day the same way; " next time let's bring Devin/Ethan , its more fun" . So - we work very hard to have variety so that what they do together is acceptable to both. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't , but they keep each other entertained and definitely need that "brotherly" connection.
     My favorite time is watching them sit together  … they like that the other is near and sharing whatever secret, toy , or laugh. Those are the times I sit back and watch them and realize how special they are to each other and how important their relationship is , no matter what.

  

New things are hard … but it doesn't stop him.

      This summer has been a time for change. For most that would mean something exciting or something to look forward to. But for Devin change is hard and being in a new place can be hard. Our trip to Tahoe was a great one and we were there almost 2 weeks, the longest we have been in there in a long time. Devin had some ups and downs but overall he really tried a lot of new things and tried to adapt all he could.
     Tahoe is beautiful and we are blessed to have a cabin to use … that is a true gift. I wanted this trip to be fun and with adventure. Devin was hesitant to go on the trip and once he was there  it took a few days for him to adjust. I mean just so you understand; change and having your everything be different is hard to work through, so it took some time and i watched him like I always do and it was hard to watch sometimes.  I see my son look worried that his things were not where they should be, his surroundings were different, his place to rest was different, and just about everything was new. He asked me a few times; " we are going back home soon right?" I assured him we would go home eventually but it was a vacation and that he needed to try and get comfortable. He looked at me but he looked sacred and unsure.

It's so hard to watch him go through this every time something new happens.  But day 3 it was better and he was distracted with some places we went to visit and he did try to have fun.
But i watched how hard he had to work to sooth himself and how he reverted to techniques that work for him. His repetitive pacing helps him refocus and to relax. He asked for hugs and reassurance more often to be sure we were going home soon and that it was a really a good place.  He wanted to touch lots of things and made sure his personal items were near by. I worry that his coping mechanisms won't work one day, but until then we really need to be comforting to him and help build his confidence about doing and enjoying new situations.

Devin really made an effort to try something new ; swimming in the lake. He was determined to swim; something he has not mastered yet but it didn't make any difference. When we hit the beach he dropped his towel and took off running to jump in. That left his father and the life guard also running to assist him; but he was just fine. He did put on his life vest and then tried it again. His frustration this time was not with his ability to swim but how cold the water was and that he just couldn't be in the water for too long. He would come running out, lips blue and teeth chattering and frustrated that he just couldn't stay in longer.  He sat on my lap and wrapped in a towel he said" Mom I know i can do it , just like Ethan and Alex. " He wants to do  everything his siblings can do , it's just sometimes it takes longer to happen. Again- something that he struggles with but feel ten feet tall and bullet proof when he achieves his own personal goals. It's amazing to see and feel him be happy , proud , and confident.

I think over time each of his milestones will tell me a little more and more… so the adventure truly never ends :)  I consider myself lucky to be on this journey with my son and there is no limit to what he can do. You go Devin and show me how.

The Are More Than Twins to me ….. so much much more.

See them, they are my muse…. each one brings something special into my life and reminds me that no matter what the future brings we still has so many possibilities.

The one in red is Devin. I have spoken about Devin many times and he brings to my life so many lessons & laughter. My boy was the first of the twins born , he was 9 lbs. of boy. I was so happy when they said he was healthy and safe.  I wanted to see the little man that had been taking up space on top of his brother that was buried in my back!  Funny thing is that i don't remember what happened that day … so much excitement and so much in awe of having twin boys.
The one in blue is Ethan. Ethan I haven't spoke about as much, he was 8 lbs. and very alert from the first moment he cried.  He has enough personality for a 7 foot man , remember he is only 7 years old!  He is a riot and is really smart, not just book smart but street smart. He shares his secrets with me and tells me all the time he is never moving out and will be with me forever. He is 7 , and my mystical powers will wear off soon enough and he won't even acknowledge me one day. I do laugh so much with him and he reminds me to let things that upset me go so I can laugh again.

Both of them are smart kids.  But they are more than my sons ; the are my teachers as well.
I have been challenged by them both and each at different times in my life, but never have I looked back and not found the lessons they taught me.  They inspire me to pursue so many things and never give up.  I will try not to let them down.

When they were little and cried I learned to be patient and find ways of distracting them from their tears.
When they were older asked me questions, yes at the same time, I learned to pay attention and answer what they asked. They didn't always like the answer but that wasn't the point.
When they help me laugh I know that they are here on earth to keep me focused and to realize how rich I really am.
When they hug me I know that no matter what, that each bond is clear and they know my love is endless and true.
Having them in my life has brought adventures, worries, challenges, and happiness into my life.
You know when they say count your blessings … I always look at them and the first 2 blessings are right there !

The year ends and what have I learned .. more than I imagined :)

So , the school year is coming to an end and I am taking a deep breath and smiling a big smile.

I am proud to say that each child has made amazing strides academically. Alexandra is moving up to the 7th grade and has made the principals list again … her goal was to maintain this all year and she did it ! So proud of her and all her hard work.  Ethan is moving up to the 2nd grade and is reading well and Math is his best subject. His energy to learn is amazing and it make you want to learn too. Devin has been doing great and his adjustment to a new school and environment went really well. His work at school is been progressing and he is moving on to the 1st grade.

I think that after working with kids all year , not just my own, I have learned so many things.
1. If you mess up … erase it and start over .
2. Listen and you might hear something new; even the youngest child can teach you something.
3. Saying "thank you" makes everyone smile.
4. Even when you aren't good at something; trying means you never fail.
5. There is always more than one way to learn something new … just keep trying and be proud of what you have done.

Devin brought home an art project recently.  He is not fond of doing art, but he did his best and it came out great. The frame he painted and decorated was beautiful and so was the smile in the picture that was in it when he gave it to me. He looked at me and said; " Are you proud ?" I looked at him and said; " I am always proud of you and everything you do." He smiled and hugged me and kissed me. That reaction was all I needed to know that he liked what I said and was saying thank you for all the love.  Devin speaks volumes when he is silent … you just need to listen and watch and its all clear as crystal.

The one thing I have taught all the kids around me this year (mine included) : there is always more than one way to learn something , just be patient and ask for help if you need it.
My heart skips a beat when I think of all the things this summer has to offer and how lucky I am that I get to be part of it.

" Mom , I got to tell you so much ."

Devin arrived from school Thursday and I watched as he stepped off the bus.  He looked at me and the first words out of his mouth were, " " I got lots to tell you...".
Which means that the day was rough and he got in trouble at school. He walked into the house slowly and just shook his head, as he walked past me he mumbled, " this going to school thing is just too hard." I knew it had been a rough day and he was gonna need to decompress. I had him sit with me and I hugged him ... that was a good way to start.
Devin said, " I yelled at my teacher and I am no good at paper work." I looked at him and said yes you are good at writing and why were you yelling at the teacher?  He gave me a big hug and said in my ear in a whisper, " I don't think my writing is good ... and she treats me like a little boy . " I looked at him and smiled, " Devin you are a little boy and if you keep practicing your writing it will get better. I know you can do it. Your Mother's day card was great and you wrote beautifully." He sat up and said, " If I get better can I be a big boy and no more paper work? " I laughed and said, "stop rushing to be a big boy and be 7 Devin and enjoy it".  He looked at me and said' "Mom I am BIG can't you see I ride the bus and I make my breakfast ! "
I looked at him and almost laughed and hugged him again and kissed his beautiful cheeks. "Yes Devin you are getting bigger but we need to learn some new things and Ms. Cheryl is a great teacher." He sat there and stared at his backpack.  He looked up and got off the couch, walked to me and said; " Can I start over tomorrow?" I smiled "Yes you can, everyday is another chance to start over." He handed me his backpack and said; "I am glad now can I eat something good?" We walked into the kitchen and we made brownies together .... not a bad way to end a rough day I think.

Devin gave me another lesson that day; sometimes knowing you can start over makes everything OK.
Devin takes each day at a time and sometimes needs to be reminded that being a little boy is OK, that trying hard is difficult, and that everyday you get to start from scratch. Sometimes what Devin teaches me makes me think that no matter what he knows a little more than I do .  I like that :)

Devin & My Grandmother share a moment .....

Saturday was one of those days that really left me thinking .... here is why.

Yesterday my mother, Devin, and myself went to see my grandmother and aunt in Petaluma.
My grandmother suffers from Alzheimer's and she is 89 years old ... needless to say things are not well and we are watching her slowly disappear mentally and physically things are starting to catch up. It is hard to watch her not be her ... but she is still talking and trying to communicate. She has a strong spirit and is fighting this everyday. We call my grandma Pimpa just to keep things clear.

Devin went with us to visit her and had a backpack full of toys and kept asking when are we getting there. Typical 7 year old stuff. Once we got there he saw her and walked over and said "Hi Pimpa, it's me Devin." She looked at him and smiled and touched his face and he just stood there and let her feel his face and hair. He looked at  my Mom and said; "Your Mom is not well Nana , I can help her ." So he pulled up a chair and talked to her about his toys, rubbed her hands, and kissed her hand a few times. We all watched to see what he would do next. He kept looking at her and said, "You will feel better soon let me sing to you ..." so he started singing "I see the moon and the moon sees me, the moon sees who I love, so God bless the moon and God bless me and God bless the one I love ..." he knew every word and Pimpa listened and smiled.
He was amazing .... he could tell she wasn't well and he was so sweet and thoughtful to her. He came over to me and said, " Pimpa needs a nap and we need to be quiet." I said to him, " Yes Devin you are right she is tired and she needs her rest ," So he kissed her head and said his good night and walked out of her room.   I just watched him and looked at her and thought what a special moment they just had and I got to watch my son comfort his Great Grandmother when she needed it most ... an amazing sight.

These are the times I wonder if the sensitivity he has from being autistic is really so bad... maybe its not the perfect way to be but he gave one sweet lady some comfort for a moment in time and I was there to see his gifts at work.  Blessed and proud that I am :)

What they gave me for Mother's Day ....

It's mother's day this weekend, being a mother of three children is a blessing.

Each child brings something special into my life every day. 

I feel like each one of them adds something into my life that I could never accomplish without them.

Here is what they have blessed me with.

Alexandra is my sunshine.. from day one she brought light into my life and a breath of fresh air. She gives me the energy to see all the good and enjoy all the fun each day brings.  When we are in the car and singing all the Pink & Katie Perry songs we know and smiling all the way I know my day is gonna be a great day!  Alexandra's gift to me is simple; don't sweat the small stuff and keep moving ! LOL

Devin is my teacher ..... he shows me how to see the world in a different way and how to take one day at a time. Devin has the insight to help me understand that "everything will be alright Mommy" and " you weren't expecting that ! " are his famous quotes that always make me take a breath and see the horizon.

Devin's gift to me is knowing that no matter what we will find a way.. hope; that is a good thing.

Ethan is the man with a dimple ........ his laughter and smile will melt your heart. He gives the good mornings that make me feel warm and he knows that there is a hug waiting for him at all times. When he is sitting in the back seat of the car and I hear him singing to the music and dancing in his seat I get so tickled! I love that my son is energized and happy ... good times. Ethan gift is the gift of love and family that means so much to me. 

So as you see all my Mother's day gifts have been with me all along... funny everyday is special , not always perfect, sometimes crazy, but always a blessing ! 

Happy Mother's Day and thank you Alex , Ethan, & Devin for being my inspiration :)

The things to learn ... according to Devin .

Being a woman has allowed me to experience so many things.
I have been in relationships, been in love, been in lust, been hurt, been married, been pregnant, been happy, been sad, been separated, been alone, been depressed, fallen in love again and again, been so many occupations, and been learning every step of the way.
For that I am truly grateful.

The places I have been and the people I have met have always helped me see things from another side and I have learned to appreciate everything in my life.

My favorite things in life are my family, my friends, and all the adventures I have had and will have !

But this time my adventure is close to my heart ... it is learning and working with one of my twin sons Devin ; he has high functioning autism.
The day I got the results of his evaluation I cried. It was so hard and I hugged him for a long time.
My heart felt like it broke and I blamed myself a thousand times and cried until I couldn't cry anymore.
Not because he had autism but because I was not sure what to do, where to turn to, what to think, and my mind just spun. But - after that cry ... I promised myself I would never cry again for those reasons.

If Devin can live, learn , and grow with autism then I can love, learn, and grow with him.
It was at that moment I decided that he did not have a disability but a special "ABILITY" to see things in a different way. At times he seems a bit overwhelmed and sensitive,  but then I take my time and together we take things slow and work it out.  Funny ... taking my time is a luxury, but for Devin it is a necessity.  He sees the world in his own way sometimes but that's a good thing. Devin is an amazing teacher.

Perfect example of a lesson by Devin;
Earlier this year Devin's grandmother Pat passed away from lung cancer and it was such a sad time.
Christmas rolled along and we were at Grandpa John's house and Devin, Ethan, and Alexandra were opening presents with family.  Grandpa John was sitting on the couch and he was watching the children and looked a little sad. Devin walked over and looked at John and asked; " Do you miss Grandma?" out of the blue ! John for a moment looked shocked and lost; but like always he composed himself and answered; " Yes Devin I miss Grandma." Devin looked at him in the face and said without a beat; " I miss her too.  I miss her hugs too. She is here you know, all around us. " and with that response Devin went back to his toys.
Again it wasn't until a month later that John told me about this and he said; " I wasn't sure what to say but he was ready and made me smile. Devin could tell I needed a good word and he gave me what I needed. "
People think that children with autism don't know how to relate or feel things as deeply or empathize ..... how wrong they are. Devin has the ability to feel things at a deeper level but he just doesn't let it over shadow everything he does, thinks, or feels. He has his moments when he gets overwhelmed but he is never lost. He finds a way and goes with it.
He misses his Grandma Pat and likes talking about her. He does think about her hugs and that her ice cream desserts were the best.
Devin will have those memories in his mind and heart forever.

Being this my first blog here is what Devin taught me: to cherish all my memories and feel what you need to feel and embrace it. Pretty good for a 7 years old :)

I will post more are time goes on and the adventures happen ... so many and so little time to type them all. But I am gonna try !

HUGS
Sil